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I'm everyone – hang your label on me


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On the day you were born

I remember wanting you here before you got here, my sister, my other half. I knew Mom was having a girl, I just knew it even though I was only eight. They were sure you were a boy and even had a name picked out for you and everything, but I knew, you were my sister.

Sometimes Mom would fall asleep and I would read to you while you were kicking it in the MomCondo. You probably don’t remember that, you were all fetal and shit at that moment but I knew you were coming out of there.

When Mom went into labor with you she and I were grocery shopping, her water broke at  Food For Less (classy, this family) and Mom, being Mom even asked me if  I could drive home. Well no, I couldn’t, I was 9 but we got home and Mom was Mom up until the minute you came into the world.

My grandma woke me up to talk to y(our) dad on the phone that night and they told me I had a little sister (duh, I knew that) and later on I helped Mom name you.

I helped Mom with your baby book because she hates her handwriting. You were “mine” from the minute you showed up, even when you threw yourself off the porch or cried like a lunatic constantly. I was there when you said something for the first time, when you stopped pooping in your own drawers, all that. It was me and you.

Because you were a mean little shit when you were a kid you and your friends used to wake up hella early on sleep over party weekend nights and climb all over me in bed and beg me to unleash the Pepsi or cookies or whatever it was that Mom said you couldn’t have and just to get you little shits to stop bothering me, I’d do it. But I also used to stage some pretty dope games of “pretend” for you and your friends and Barbies and whatever unwilling participant was around. We made a movie once with your best friend and you guys were the best (worst) actors in the world but it was super fun.

You went to college in the town I lived in. You met your now husband there and I remember the phone call, when you were still new and nervous at life, about if you should go on a date with this guy and I listened to you tell me all the nice and wonderful things he did for you and told you a million times, yes, go out with the boy, if he sucks, don’t go out with him again and I’ll have him killed.

You went out with that boy.

You married that man. You got an amazing second (or in our case third family) I cried through the whole thing because you feel more like my daughter than my sister. And it’s always felt like I’ve known your husband and his family my whole life. Like when I met the lot of them on your graduation day I felt like they were my family too.

And so today, my darling, my bowling ball head, the absolute true love of my life who isn’t a cat, is your last day in the town your fell in love with your husband in and ironically the apartment complex you used to live in. And you, my darling, my fearless, elegant, seriously insanely smart and perfect baby sister, my baby… you’re off to another state and I am sad, because I will miss you. I hate that you’ll be too far to see whenever I want. I hated that when I left this area the first time. But I know you’re in good hands (your own, although you husband does make me feel like at least there is another set of eyes on you, because if anything happens to you, someone’s getting seriously injured) and you’re moving to a wonderful place and I am no more than a text message/phone call/facebook post away and if anyone looks at you funny, you know I’ll be there in like less than 10 minutes, space, time, physics be damned. Ain’t no one gonna hurt my baby.

I love you and I am proud of you and I am proud of your husband, excuse me, my brother. I love you both and wish you the best in the Emerald City.

 

little sister

tiff1

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Dear City of Chico

Okay, I get it, we have a homeless problem. A pretty big one for such a cold place in the winter. And maybe I didn’t research my neighborhood carefully before moving into my apartment in a panic but it’s like a homeless hobo convention up in this bitch at the moment.

I live in a neighborhood that houses SEVERAL rehab centers, I didn’t realize that. County Mental health is a street over. We have a couple of different Vets assistance offices over here. The Blood Bank is across the street. I think Welfare is also down the street. And so is the DMV and you know what kind of people hang out at the DMV. I live right next door to a bike path that is poorly lit and also constantly vandalized, has the homeless and the druggies (no really I’ve seen the discarded crack pipes and syringes over there) hiding out in it during the winter months.

For some reason the city runs the homeless “undesirables” out of downtown around the holidays. It usually starts around Halloween for the trick or treat things they do down there for the kids. Then there’s the Christmas Preview and the other various things that go on around here for the holidays. I get it, we have a giant Christmas tree and kids everywhere and you probably don’t want to see these people all up in your holiday photos. For the moment all of the most famous homeless folks, including the Die Guy live on my block. It’s cool, I get it, rent is expensive, shit sucks, you feel the need to tell everyone to die when they walk by.  But I can’t say it makes the Man in my life feel very safe for me to be out doing my thing, walking back and forth etc.  He’s actually pretty freaked out about it, especially since one of the rehabs on our block seems to have installed a smoking section outside with lawn chairs and ashtrays. Especially since most of the people using this space aren’t clients of the rehab center, they’re just the other random boxes of crazy that stumble off our bike path.

Honestly I don’t mind where I live in town so much. It drives Ben absolutely nuts that I walk everywhere and basically give no fucks about what goes on around here. I think most of our hobos are harmless and I honestly worry more about college kids and my own neighbors than I do the guy having an disagreement with a lamp post or the one dude that seems to talk to cars. (What the fuck, I talk to things that can’t talk back to me all the time? That’s not that weird.) I just wonder if we’re doing anything to help the people who are truly BROKEN here instead of just shuffling them off to one area of town or another. Because some of these people are clearly unemployable and from what I’ve heard from my friends over at the Studio Inn Lounge, they basically just let them out of our local “looney bin,” with 50 bucks and the number to the Jesus Center when they pick them up. I realize this is a pretty common problem in the country, but it makes me sad, as I see it every single day when I’m heading to work.

 

p.s. I know I already blew National Blog Posting Month. Sue me.


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Bidwell Bark

So next month I’m walking in a fun run to raise money for the Butte Humane Society here in Chico, CA.  I am trying at this point to raise 300.00 dollars but if I get to that, I’ll probably raise the goal amount again. I am doing this as part of a team for the radio station but I’m also doing it because I love animals and I can’t bear to think of homeless cats and dogs not having a safe place to go while they wait for their forever home.

I know, I know, big softie.

So if you’d like to donate to me or my team you can click here!


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Goodbye Cooper

Yesterday one of my friends here in Chico had to say good bye to his beloved dog Cooper, who’s been with him for the last ten years or something. It’s weird because even though I have only known Cooper for a year I am pretty bummed out too. Because it’s hard to see your friend go through something like this and also because Coop was such a great dog.

We’ve had him on the radio several times and I dog sat for him when Jeremy’s daughter was being born. I can tell you there aren’t many other dogs I’d get up at 4:30 am for but for Cooper it was a no brainer and I was rewarded with so much doggy love just for letting him out to pee and filling his dish. Every time I went over to tend to him while Jeremy was gone I ended up hanging out for like an hour because Cooper would just curl up near my feet and look at me with those huge eyes of his and I couldn’t pull myself away. (Plus Buddy the cat would usually join us and sit on my lap, so I was usually covered in animals by this point)

Monday night I went over to see Cooper one last time and even though he was exhausted and probably not feeling very good he dragged himself out from under the table to say hi to me and before I left the house that night, I went out into the backyard and sat with Coop for awhile. And yeah, I cried because I’m a big ol baby but also because this was an insanely good dog, which usually speaks volumes about their People too.

 


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6. A song featuring a female vocalist.

Just one? I mean I have a million.

But I’m choosing this one because it reminds me of a friend. And I was talking about Chris last night so I will share this song with you.

I had the raddest first boyfriend ever. True facts, there is no way around it. Christopher Page was a perfect first boyfriend. And he was there for me through so much shit later in life when we broke up. We got each other pretty well and I never knew why he was always so good at everything. We competed sure, but he was just better at certain things than me. Eventually I ended up in radio and he kept writing, which he was always better at than I was.  He ended up moving to Arizona about the same time I moved to San Luis Obispo. I remember the Christmas that he basically funded my bar tab when Jennifer and I had first moved in together.

A lot of people don’t know that, that Christmas Eve  when I saw him last we walked outside and he asked me if he could kiss me. And I did. Because of course he could. Even 10 years after we broke up. Of course. We were friends.

I didn’t know that it was going to be the last time I ever saw him. I didn’t know that a few years later, he’d stop being on this planet.

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who remembers and I know that’s selfish of me. I know I am not but sometimes, even still I see something or eat somewhere or find something in my stuff and I remember him. And miss him. And sometimes I still forget that I can’t just pick up my phone and call him and be like “Hey, so I just saw Screeching Weasel tonight and my god Ben Weasel is an asshole” Or “Oh my god when did Geoff get married?” or well… anything.

It’s getting close to that time of year again, the anniversary of my friend deciding to end his life. I thought of him last night because we were at a pizza place where you could draw on the tables with chalk. And I found myself doodling and thinking about how Chris used to draw me pictures when we were in high school. And there I was having vegetarian pizza, drawing with chalk and listening to oldies and just missed him so much.

So yeah, Kathleen Hanna and Bikini Kill made this song when I was much younger. And you ended up with a bigger story than I meant to write. Whatever.

this is by far my favorite picture in the world

this was some class we took together


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I’ll fall with your knife

This is another one of my favorite love songs. I love Peter Murphy. At one point I even wanted this song for my wedding but let’s face it I’m never getting married so let me just turn this song out to the universe… someone else can use it.

 

“I’ll Fall With Your Knife” – Peter Murphy

“To the crowd
to the world
you were so dry
and with a token bird I made
sent it to fly
right to your side
with a broken wing you sail
oh like winter in july
a barren river wide
I’ll pray for the flood
to wash on you
it’s here, I’ll be with you

Well if the birds
can reach the sky
to this land
I’ll be with you
till the sun bursts from your side
with my hands
I reach to you
when you think your chance is passing by
when you blow your moon away
I’ll bleed like the reed
fall with your knife
it’s here I’ll be with you

to the crowd
to the world
you were so dry
and with a token bird I made
sent it to fly
right to your side
with a broken wing you sail
oh like winter in july
a barren river wide
I’ll pray for the flood
to wash on you
it’s here, I’ll stay with you
it’s here, I’ll be with you
I’ll fall…”


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Valentines Day

hearts
Man I am so not a Valentines Day girl*. Even when I’m not single I just don’t get it. I mean I’m not the girl who is gonna throw a fit because she didn’t get something (as evidenced by MANY of my relationships. I think I worked all day last year.) One year I did get sent flowers at work and it was pretty awesome and amazing because it had never happened before and all the girls at work were jealous. I honestly didn’t believe the delivery guy and thought they were for one of the other three Stephanies I was working with at the time… ha ha.

That being said, I LOVE music.  Yes even seriously SAPPY LOVE SONGS. So I’ll share a few of my favorites in the next few days leading up to Valentines Day.

Did you know MTV banned the  Depeche Mode “In Your Room,” video when it first came out? Something about nudity and bondage and blah blah blah. This is possibly the only video from this album where Dave Gahan doesn’t look like the drug baby he was at the time. It’s fantastic (and hysterically tame considering the whole “BANNED” thing) and this is a great if unconventional love song.

It’s sexy. It’s moody. It’s dark. People in fishnets need love songs too. And the lyrics are delightfully obsessive.

“In Your Room”

In your room
Where time stands still
Or moves at your will
Will you let the morning come soon
Or will you leave me lying here
In your favourite darkness
Your favourite half-light
Your favourite consciousness
Your favourite slave

In your room
Where souls disappear
Only you exist here
Will you lead me to your armchair
Or leave me lying here
Your favourite innocence
Your favourite prize
Your favourite smile
Your favourite slave

I’m hanging on your words
Living on your breath
Feeling with your skin
Will I always be here

In your room
Your burning eyes
Cause flames to arise
Will you let the fire die down soon
Or will I always be here
Your favourite passion
Your favourite game
Your favourite mirror
Your favourite slave

I’m hanging on your words
Living on your breath
Feeling with your skin
Will I always be here

(*This doesn’t mean I wouldn’t take a rad bottle of wine or some pretty flowers, I mean its still winter here I haven’t seen flowers in MONTHS.)