Spin Spin Sugar

I'm everyone – hang your label on me

Leave a comment

On the day you were born

I remember wanting you here before you got here, my sister, my other half. I knew Mom was having a girl, I just knew it even though I was only eight. They were sure you were a boy and even had a name picked out for you and everything, but I knew, you were my sister.

Sometimes Mom would fall asleep and I would read to you while you were kicking it in the MomCondo. You probably don’t remember that, you were all fetal and shit at that moment but I knew you were coming out of there.

When Mom went into labor with you she and I were grocery shopping, her water broke at  Food For Less (classy, this family) and Mom, being Mom even asked me if  I could drive home. Well no, I couldn’t, I was 9 but we got home and Mom was Mom up until the minute you came into the world.

My grandma woke me up to talk to y(our) dad on the phone that night and they told me I had a little sister (duh, I knew that) and later on I helped Mom name you.

I helped Mom with your baby book because she hates her handwriting. You were “mine” from the minute you showed up, even when you threw yourself off the porch or cried like a lunatic constantly. I was there when you said something for the first time, when you stopped pooping in your own drawers, all that. It was me and you.

Because you were a mean little shit when you were a kid you and your friends used to wake up hella early on sleep over party weekend nights and climb all over me in bed and beg me to unleash the Pepsi or cookies or whatever it was that Mom said you couldn’t have and just to get you little shits to stop bothering me, I’d do it. But I also used to stage some pretty dope games of “pretend” for you and your friends and Barbies and whatever unwilling participant was around. We made a movie once with your best friend and you guys were the best (worst) actors in the world but it was super fun.

You went to college in the town I lived in. You met your now husband there and I remember the phone call, when you were still new and nervous at life, about if you should go on a date with this guy and I listened to you tell me all the nice and wonderful things he did for you and told you a million times, yes, go out with the boy, if he sucks, don’t go out with him again and I’ll have him killed.

You went out with that boy.

You married that man. You got an amazing second (or in our case third family) I cried through the whole thing because you feel more like my daughter than my sister. And it’s always felt like I’ve known your husband and his family my whole life. Like when I met the lot of them on your graduation day I felt like they were my family too.

And so today, my darling, my bowling ball head, the absolute true love of my life who isn’t a cat, is your last day in the town your fell in love with your husband in and ironically the apartment complex you used to live in. And you, my darling, my fearless, elegant, seriously insanely smart and perfect baby sister, my baby… you’re off to another state and I am sad, because I will miss you. I hate that you’ll be too far to see whenever I want. I hated that when I left this area the first time. But I know you’re in good hands (your own, although you husband does make me feel like at least there is another set of eyes on you, because if anything happens to you, someone’s getting seriously injured) and you’re moving to a wonderful place and I am no more than a text message/phone call/facebook post away and if anyone looks at you funny, you know I’ll be there in like less than 10 minutes, space, time, physics be damned. Ain’t no one gonna hurt my baby.

I love you and I am proud of you and I am proud of your husband, excuse me, my brother. I love you both and wish you the best in the Emerald City.


little sister




11 am on a Monday morning

I’ve changed so much in this past year its hard to recognize the me I was just 365 days ago.

Things in my little world went completely haywire last year around this time. Like batshit bonkers. The only places I ever felt like “myself” were at work where despite everything that was going on, things were awesome and when I was hanging out with Teresa and Nicole or Tristan because they were the only people I told EVERYTHING to. It wasn’t because I didn’t trust my other friends who knew bits and pieces of the story, but because I didn’t want them to feel pressured to help me figure it all out.

I was talking through a deal to move out with a friend of mine when this job call came down. A lovely gal I knew from downtown SLO and twitter of all places had a room for rent in her house and we were discussing the specifics of it. Like when I would move in, how much it was, her kiddlets, etc. And right as I was going to pull the trigger and do it, my unemployment got cut off and things just seemed so hopeless. So I buried myself in the only way I knew how… my show on Wild, heaps and bounds of barter spots and asking my boss pretty much daily to teach me something new. And having lunch after lunch at the Black Sheep talking to Nicole who had so many great ideas. And oodles of Happy Hours with Teresa who despite her own problems at that time would help me “put some lipstick on it,” and lent me her parents and fixed my clothes and brought me cheese and berries at the radio station when I wouldn’t eat.

And there was Tristan who was always just a text away. Even after midnight if I just needed an ear or a couch to crash on or to just act like an ass and help me forget it all for an hour or two while we drank Tecates and Jamesons at McBar and talked about the old days.

I’ve been thinking about going home this weekend. I have the scratch to do it as long as I can take care of a couple of things here financially first. I need to dip my toes in the ocean. I need to hug the people that helped me get here. I need to hit reset on my brain before the book starts. I need a vegetarian chili. I need a fish taco. I need to wish a friend a happy birthday. I need to get dressed up and go out and do things in all my favorite spots. Reset. Erase. De-stress.

Don’t get me wrong, things in Chico aren’t bad. I’ve really started to build my own little community here, even faster than I did when I moved to SLO but I used to pull this “run away,” thing all the time when I lived there too. Santa Barbara, Bakersfield, Los Angeles, Ventura… sometimes Anywhere But Here is the only place to be.


1 Comment

girls night

I haven’t had a girls night out in a long time. To be real, I don’t know a lot of girls in Chico. A couple of weeks ago I took Adele out for pedicures before the baby came but that’s been the extent of girls night out. I used to have these pretty frequently either with Kristin or Darcy or Teresa back home. Sometimes it’d be me and Michaela and Suzanne going dancing at the Grad or whatever. But I don’t have a lot of female friends here and I don’t know if it’s because girls are different in Chico or maybe I just don’t work with any women.

Right before the baby came I started doing happy hours with Jeremy. He’s not a girl or anything but he’s my closest friend in Chico who is not Ben so it was always fun to go grab a beer with him across the street from the station after work and gab about the station and our respective lives. Not exactly someone I can talk bloatedness and mood swings with (although I’m sure he’d understand) but a friend. So that’s nice.

I imagine part of this too is that I’m in a still pretty new relationship, although it doesn’t feel new. So Ben and I spend a lot of time together as well. And Ben is great because I can honestly tell him anything and it’s like “Hmm okay well how can I help you fix this? Or is this one of those need a hug and a treat problems?” (No really he kind of talks like this sometimes)

The biggest part of course though is that it’s just not hanging out with girls that I miss, it’s that I miss MY particular friends. Teresa was my life raft the last year of my time in SLO. I never could’ve made it through the millions of things that went wrong without her. Especially this move. Especially that other thing. None of it. And Kristin was my rock. Always there with a glass of wine and a good book to take my mind off of things and always willing to listen or just help me avoid things completely. And then there was Darcy who was my vault and I was her vault while we were both going through the same thing relitively speaking. Always there with a couch and a smile and a hug and a “oh fuck that,” whenever I needed it. My girls, I miss them so much.

I passed my six months in Chico mark sometime last month. It was quiet. I don’t think I mentioned it to anyone but Ben.  Maybe one of the bar tenders at the End Zone.  It still feels kind of forigen to me here. I can find my way around but there are still a million places that when people talk about where they are I’m just like “nope, don’t know.”

It all takes time. Tomorrow I guess I get to find out if all my hard work and stress was worth it when our ratings come out. To say I dyed my hair about this would be an understatement…

Leave a comment

this one goes out to the girl in the big sunglasses

What can I say about Teresa that I haven’t said already?

I met Teresa when she came to work at Clear Channel way back in the day. Obviously I originally didn’t trust her because she was cute and funny and short like me and had great clothes. Obviously the world had sent me some kind of nemesis to battle. Obviously I was used to being the only girl and obviously I was used to being the only girl to get attention from this one guy we both know. Case in point she was sent to the radio station to ruin my life.
Except she wasn’t. The first time I really remember Teresa being there for me was the day that Clear Channel sold us. Let’s be real, we were all drunk at the radio station that day and crying because a lot of our friends got fired and we were scared. I remember sitting in that meeting with Teresa, this girl I only slightly knew and holding her hand while the new owners started going over everything we were going to be going through the rest of that day.
Not long after Teresa arrived she started doing the Punk Ass Bitches Show with us. It was nice to not be the only girl anymore. I’d been ganged up on by the guys long enough and Teresa is a firecracker! Sometime during the summer we went to see Alkaline Trio together, just us, no boys and we had a blast. At one point we were both pretty buzzed at McBar and I’m pretty sure she dropped her beer so she wouldn’t have to drink it but that’s neither here nor there.
Then I got laid off. Then Teresa got laid off. And we were both broke and miserable together. We’d meet up for drinks and bitching a few times a month because if not, when would we ever see anyone?
In August of 2009 she called me and told me about a job at the radio station she was doing sales at. I had already applied but she wanted me to meet the general manager and took me out to meet him before my interview. I got the job. The next ten months of my life weren’t perfect but having Teresa in my life every day was rad. This girl can make me laugh, can keep my secrets and most of all gets me. She is one of the people who held me up and encouraged me to get where I am now and I’m grateful to her.
Most of all I just miss her though. Teresa is one of those friends who buys people little gifties when she thinks it will make them smile. She’s always down to go have a drink and bitch about your crappy day and boys. Or boys. Yes we bitched about boys a lot… ha ha. I had some “issues” going on when I worked with her. She’s funny and generous and mean as all hell if you cross someone she loves.
Recently my girl started a new job. She’s selling cars and I know she’s going to be the freakin’ bomb at it. She’s good at whatever she does, even if that is cutting the hems off your pants in the office or singing some parody of the Shaft theme song in a commercial. Teresa is one of a kind. I miss her every freakin’ day and if I don’t see her soon, I’m going to throw up.
Or cry. But I’ll probably cry if I see her too. I’m a douche like that.

1 Comment

hazy shade of winter

Last night I judged a high school battle of the bands at Cafe Coda here in Chico and it was pretty crazy how much NOTHING has changed about these scenes/kids since I was a little live music rat at fifteen. The fashion isn’t honestly that different, and the little cliques of kids, very similar.

And the bands… man the bands, so heart stoppingly earnest and not technically good, but their little hearts are just splattered all over everything. And yeah, there are still the dorky joke bands ala the Dead Milkmen and the jocky rich kid bands ala Pennywise. It’s alarmingly similar to my life 15 years ago.
For some reason though instead of seeming comical to me, it was just sweet. It made me smile. I’m glad to see that this home for “outsiders” exists in the world still and even still in a really small place like Chico where they only have two high schools and being “normal” is just the only way to be.
Emily kept apologizing for keeping me so long yesterday, but I didn’t mind. I liked watching the kids have their night out and talking to a few of them that know me from the radio. They seemed pretty blown away that I was there (which honestly is a far nicer reception than any radio person would’ve gotten in our scene back in Bakersfield at that time. “Effin sellouts! Raaarr”) and the band that won, Color Me Plaid were this cute little acoustic duo, think half of early Paramore, this probably 14-16 year old girl with braces and pink hair singing her heart out. And I was glad for her band to have won, because it is incredibly brave to get up there on stage in front of other mean little teenagers and sing your heart out. So good for her. I wanted to talk to her afterwards but didn’t. I mean who cares what some creepy old lady thinks?
All in all though, it was an enjoyable evening and I need to go back and check out Cafe Coda again for food and breakfast.

Leave a comment

so that was weird

I met a girl last night at the Flyleaf show who is a fan of mine. Like an honest to goodness ran down the street and jumped up to hug me fan. I haven’t experienced much of that.

Lacey from Flyleaf is actually smaller than me. She’s very sweet and very pretty in person. I could put her in my pocket and taken her home. But Lily might have eaten her. That tiny.
Pretty weird to hug someone who’s been nominated for a Grammy. Pretty weird to go on stage and not think a thing of it, but that’s what Jeremy and I did last night.
Hung out with Adelle afterwards, while she ate her dinner after getting off work at Duffy’s. Came home, watched some tv (I’m trying to see what the big deal is about the Vampire Diaries so I borrowed it. So far I’m not impressed but I was pretty exhausted last night.)
Got my Halloween costume yesterday. ITS PERFECT.
Had some sad news from back home. A former co-worker of mine and a fantastic lady has had Cancer for awhile now and yesterday they told her she has a week left. They told her she had six months to live about four years ago though, so obviously her doctors are wrong. Obviously.
Ben has had a cold since Sunday. He let me fuss over him and take care of him Sunday night because we were already together when he started feeling crappy but he’s been holed up at home since. I miss him. My friend Cesareo is in town tonight playing a show and I’d like to take Ben if he’s up to it.
Blah blah blah.

1 Comment

too hot

It’s a point of fact that it’s hot in Chico. Balls hot. Lake of fire and damnation hot. My pool is 75 degrees at night hot.

This makes going to sleep difficult. The air conditioner in Casa De Bellish is a wall unit. It doesn’t always cool the bedroom. Last night was one of those nights. I woke up at 3am just sweating and had to get up and go sleep in the living room floor under the AC. no big deal since I sleep on the floor as a general rule anyway. But damn… It’s hot here.

Went to Butte Creek with my new style funky Asian Girlfriend Sarah. We dubbed her this while we were shithoused at Lost on Friday night discussing radio via text with another friend of mine. Anyway she took me to a creek. I got in. Probably got fish poop in my pores but oh well. Gotta try to blend in with the locals after all.

Meatwad tells me I need to go to the Holes. Naturally I did a double take at this term. He meant swimming holes. Salmon Hole, Aligator Hole, Bear hole…

Also I keep seeing people here who look like people from back home. There’s a girl that goes to the Banshee (stellar place) who looks like a girl I didn’t like in SLO. Theres a dude that makes sushi at Rawbar who’s a dead ringer for my old boss Jojo. There’s a guy where I’m eating right now that looks like a sever from the Custom house…

Might be homesick. Might be this assraping heat.