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Dreaming a little dream

Last night I wasn’t feeling well. This is pretty damn usual these days and I couldn’t sleep so I had Ben put on the ocean. You know that app on your phone or computer that just plays the ocean? That thing, the white noise machine.

I fell asleep pretty quickly after he put the ocean on.

My ocean. That I miss so much.

In the worst of times in Avila Beach or anywhere in SLO county I could go to the water. I could walk into it no matter how cold it was because lets face it Central Coasters it’s never cold. I could sit on the sand and listen to that ocean and man I’d just feel great. I miss it very much. And all the lovely and kooky people who came along with it. Some of you know I miss you the most. I miss you absolutely the most.

It’s a whole 38 degrees in Chico today. The car was frosted over and my hands go numb in my own house. I haven’t forgotten spending New Years Eve in short sleeves yet. I’ll get used to being cold all the time someday. But last night it was nice to dream a little dream of “home,” and oh what a dream it was.

Happy New Year my friends. I wish you all the best.

dreaming a little dream

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Let’s Talk about MY Seattle Seahawks!

What in the world is happening? We’re a total happy freakshow right now.

I’m so excited. Like I’m afraid to talk about it because I’m that excited. I curse people for talking, I don’t go to the bathroom when I need to. I PERCH. My Hawks… man…

I’m dreaming a little dream in my head at the moment. Because this is gorgeous and this is wonderful and I had some asshole step to me in a sports store in Bakersfield. Clearly, he was butt hurt about something we did. When we aren’t posing as Hitler or making the Baby Jesus Cry or whatever it is we do that makes everyone hate us.

We’re going to the playoffs. We’re going on our own this year, we didn’t lose our way in, and we are going.

I say we… and I probably shouldn’t. I’m not on the team. I don’t work for them. All they in general, do is eat my money and not give anything back to me.

This year though, I’ve had a bad year because I’ve been really crazy sick. When I got really sick, the Seahawks got good. Not just good but SCARY GOOD. They want me to have something to be excited about, and damnit I want to be excited for them.

So I’m gonna be. I’m gonna scream, I’m gonna yell, I’m gonna cheer for the thing that got me through so much this year. I’m gonna believe.

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I’m gay

Or I’m not. Does it matter?

I’ve said both things to my parents and you know what they said?

Nothing. I’m still their baby no matter what kind of crap I get into. 

My boyfriend, who oh my god, ends up being my life partner, isn’t mad that sometimes, hey Stephanie is a little gay. Stephanie collects other peoples children like a traveling circus, etc.

Last weekend I got to marry my friends and that was astounding. It took until about 2am for me to REALLY start crying. Ben was asleep but I cried like my life was ending because something so basic and easy was “granted” to my friends and I was able to do the sacred chant that made it real. 

What in the fuck? My friends? They shouldn’t have waited that long. I shouldn’t have to wait that long for it to be real. Am I Gay? Sure. Most of the time even. I’m in another kind of relationship now but I could have easily ended up with a woman. I want the right to get a blender, blankets and Fiesta Ware (something I learned from my first wife) as the rest of you.

 

I am in love. I am bored enough to get married. I can’t do it until California gets its head out of its ass and makes it OKAY for the rest of us. I’d rather wait for the whole country to be legal but Mr Stephanie needs to go to the doctor sometimes….

 

I’m gay because I kiss and have kissed girls. I’m gay because I look at girls sometimes and sometimes  if I’m feeling rad, I’ll show Ben those girls. (He doesn’t mind) I’m gay because I’m holding out on a lot of stuff until everyone can have it. I do not and will not live in a world of straight white privilege. 

 

I’m gay. I’m out. There isn’t a closet  on Earth that could keep me in.  So what?