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Spirit Day 2011

Below is a repost of why I celebrate Spirit Day from last year. My reasons haven’t changed. If nothing else, I’m angrier at the challenges our gay, lesbian, bisexual and trans youths have to face and on top of that even more proud of the people who have stepped out to help them…



Today is now called Spirit Day

It’s a day to show support for LGBT kids who are bullied and to try to call attention to the “recent rash” of suicides among young children/teens because they are being bullied for either being gay or being perceived to be gay.
I support the idea of calling attention to this. It is disgusting. It is horrible that kids are this mean to each other. I wonder where all these people who are so “concerned” now were before, because bullying isn’t new. It isn’t a fad.
As someone who was relentlessly picked on by the “popular” kids from about 5th grade until either my Senior year or graduation, I wonder where these people were when I didn’t want to go to school (and some times just didn’t) because I was sick of people picking on me. I was basically told by several people that if I would be more “normal,” the “popular” kids would accept me and life would be grand. But I didn’t want them to accept me, I thought they were total shit heads. I just wanted them to leave me the hell alone. Yeah, I was shorter than almost everyone. So I didn’t ask to be short. And yeah I didn’t have the “right” clothes because what freakin 5th grader needs designer jeans? Or 150 dollar shoes? Or why does it matter if I don’t like the same things as you? But what went on with me was “just” kids being kids.
I like to think this awareness campaign is a lot of people my age, who got sick of being told to “be normal” and “just ignore it, it will go away,” realizing that hey, we’re the grown ups now, we get to make the rules and some other child or teen will not have to go through this on our watch. I look around at the celebrities coming out against this, Lady Gaga, Eve, Adam Lambert, Sarah Silverman, Ke$ha, etc and I realize that age wise these people are my peer group. We are the grown ups now. We’re the adults. We get to “make the rules,” and set the pace and we’ve decided this is NOT OKAY.
The other reason I am so fired up about this is I hate the stigma of being a “suicide survivor.” I lost a very good friend and a huge part of my heart to suicide a couple of years ago and you know what is the worst? When people look at you like you’re a freak because of that, or when people just won’t let you talk about it, because yeah it’s uncomfortable. If it’s uncomfortable for you to hear about, how do you think someone who lost someone that way feels? How do you think it feels? I know people don’t always know the right things to say but sometimes you just have to listen. There is no shame in knowing someone who chose to take their own life. It isn’t your fault and you have every right to be angry, to be hurt, to be sad.
And I want any one to know that if they are considering something so drastic as to end their own lives, wait. Listen, I don’t even know you and I love you. I will listen to you. I will hug you and take you for coffee/ice cream/lemonade and I will listen to you. If it isn’t me, I promise you there is someone out there who will. Take a deep breath my tiny darlings and realize that the whole world is out there for you. I am living breathing proof that the bullying stops, it gets better. And the people picking on you? They may even apologize to you later in life. It’s happened to me. Stand up, stand proud and realize that you are so freakin’ amazing just the way you are, and that when you get older, people are going to fall all over themselves to know you. We “freaks” know this about each other. We stick together.
It’s hard and it sucks to be a teenager. But when it’s over and you survive it all, guess what? You get to lead your life the way you want. You get to make the rules.
Even now, YOU define who you are. Seriously mother eff any one who tells you that’s wrong. You are more than ONE thing. You are not just gay, bisexual, lesbian, trans-gendered, short, black, white, Asian, Mexican, Puerto Rican, Muslim, Christian, Jewish, etc. You are artists, you are scientists waiting to happen, you are musicians, you are soon to be famous actors and directors, you are writers, you are future cops, firefighters, politicians. You are what’s next. I am standing up for you now, because I need someone to run the world when I’m done. You’re what is next, just hang in there. Just make it. Just know that this world is YOURS next and we need you and we love you.

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A long time ago in a galaxy far far away I programmed a punk music show. And so I would get tons of CD’s sent to me. And some of the stuff wasn’t punk “enough,” for me. Like I remember hearing Fallout Boy for the first time and thinking to my tastes, this is crap. But I knew it was a hit. Same thing with Panic! at The Disco. I haven’t had that feeling in a long time, but then I heard Falling In Reverse.

I knew this album had star quality at first listen. No joke Ronnie Radke had been in Escape the Fate so I wasn’t completely blind to who I was listening to. But because my latest mentor an in string of mentors in radio asked me to spend some more time with this record and maybe because of what I’ve been going through behind the scenes I found more and more depth to what this band is doing. Ronnie wrote the record in prison, in his head. That’s fascinating to me, not even knowing if he’d remember how to sing when he got out, not even knowing if a record label would want him when he got out… but the dude has things in his head he wants to share and maybe this isn’t the type of music I always listen to, but damn if you can’t help but be pulled into the lyrics.

My two favorite songs on the album are “The Drug In Me Is You,” and “Raised by Wolves,” and I don’t know, you probably have your own style of music that you like or whatever and may not like this, but if this kid can get his head on straight and keep it that way, he has a chance… Good luck.

Falling in Reverse comes to Chico on 11.11.11, I’m actually interested in seeing how they are live.


positive vibrations

I am really trying to be positive and uplifting. I am trying not to let a bunch of crap get to me. I am trying not to be hurt by some things that were said to me. I am trying not to dwell. I can not change the past, all I can do is look ahead. All I can do is be the best I can be and some days I am better than others. All I can do is care for the people in my life like they care for me and keep my head up. All I can do is be positive. Use love instead of fear. Use hope instead of sadness. Find my own spirit animal or whatever. Carry myself with grace and style and above all class. To be the classier, more polite person. To use the manners I have. To smile and receive kindness when people feel like doling it out. To give all the kindness I can afford to because it its better to give. To lead. To be the best me I can be.

I am going to add yoga to my routine again soon. The bike riding is awesome and I feel pretty well physically. The yoga may settle my head though. Running used to do that for me but I don’t have the time or the knees really to run anymore, especially with the bike in play these days.

I’m also going to try to write more, create more, whatever, outside of work. Because it’s good for me. Ben said I should finish my story about Chris and publish it on lulu.com and I like this idea. I may be able to do it before what would’ve been his birthday next year.  I have been trying to remember to take pictures. To enjoy things. To make things. It used to give me so much joy. We got my guitar out last night and I realized it was still missing a string but we tuned it up and I messed around with it awhile.

I just want to stay positive. I want to do happy productive things.

The David Lynch (yes that David Lynch) remix of this song is insane and awesome.


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national coming out day

Today is National Coming Out Day.

I don’t know, I don’t think people should have to “come out.” I mean as a straight person does anyone have to go and announce to people they want to get it on, that they want to date, that they like company?  It’s ridiculous that as a human being you HAVE  to tell people who you love and why.

Either way, I’m going to come out right now and tell you this:

I love you. You whoever is reading this. I love you just the way you are. Maybe you’re fucked up, but hey so am I in some respects. So are some of my friends. Some of us are pretty broken. I love them. I love you. It’s easy if you remember every single person on this planet, even people you hate, even people who have really fucking hurt you? They’re human beings. They may not think like you or vote like you or want the same things as you do, but they go home at the end of the day and have to listen to themselves just like you do. They have to live with how they feel just like you do.

I am coming out in support of love, in support of one human being treating another with the respect they themselves want to be treated with. If everyone did that every day, we wouldn’t need a coming out day or an It Gets Better campaign because people would just love and be loved. People would just accept.

I accept. I love you all.



So for reasons I don’t want to go into on a public forum, I’m on a bicycle for transportation these days. I’ve been riding a mountain bike mostly but yesterday the boyfriend’s family gifted me with a cute and wonderful little vintage cruiser.

I am really looking forward to tricking it out with a basket and giving it the TLC such a beautiful lady deserves. This also unfortunately means we have three bicycles in the kitchen, so I have some reorganizing to do with my hall closet so I can park the mountain bike in there when I am not using it. I like having the two bikes to alternate between because for one no one is going to steal my mountain bike. It’s nice but not too nice. It’s not flashy and it’s not hipster cool or anything so really the worst that will happen is someone will steal a tire and I’ll want to kill them. But basically it’s my downtown/night ride.

The Cruiser though is strictly for work, grocery shopping (I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to fit it with a basket much easier than I can the mountain bike) and excursions in North Chico. Sounds funny but honestly there aren’t many kids in my neighborhood and by kids I mean college students and hipsters so I feel comfortable taking the cruiser out and knowing it will still be chained up outside of my favorite food joints.

My boyfriend Ben has been so great through the whole process of getting me on the bike. We bought me a complete light set the other day that I can move from bike to bike, but if I can get the headlamp working on the cruiser they can stay clipped to the mountain bike unless the weather is bad, etc.

I can feel my body loving this too. You should see my legs! Actually you should try to walk around in my legs. Whoo, sore. But they look good. And that’s all that matters right. Pain doesn’t matter if you look rad, because why else would high heels exist?


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count down to Halloween

I admit it, I enjoy Halloween. I got burnt out on it for awhile but I enjoy and embrace my Oh My Goth roots. When I programmed the Punk Ass Bitches show one of my favorite shows was the Halloween show. Anyway here we are 23 days out, so I’ll try to post some Halloween music for you daily as we get closer. It’s actually harder than the St Patricks Day count down I do, because frankly a lot of the stuff I adore is dead hard to find.

Dead. See what I did there.

I never would have found Christian Death without my ex-fiance Jeremy. He’s a big ol’ deathrocker for sure and introduced me to a lot of weird and wonderful music. We went to the museum of death during the Rozz Williams exhibit and it was really interesting and also kind of well… creepy.

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Steve Jobs

I was saddened to hear about Steve Jobs passing yesterday. Not because I’m an Apple fangirl, although I do own a couple of iPods and a couple of iPhones. Not because I had any deep affection for my PowerMac I used to have back in the 90s that no one could figure out out but me (Wait, it’s a Mac but it has a PC set up? I don’t get it, why does your mouse only have one button? Does this Apple key make food?) or the A-Book (the first iBook after the clamshells) as we liked to call the laptop my friend Michael gave me when I lost my job to make job hunting more mobile for me.

it sort of looked like this...

No Steve Jobs was just a free thinker and I think the world needs more of that. I wish I was more of a free thinker. Someone who has an idea and just does it. What take the entirety of someone’s music collection and stuff it into something smaller than a stick of gum? Cool! Totally let’s do that! Revolutionize the way people even consume music? Sure let’s do that. Wait I have this great idea, let’s put the Library of Congress into the pocket of every single American. Let’s let them video chat with grandma from the street corner on their way to class. Let’s make sure anyone with a wifi connection never feels lonely again because we’re putting the entire world in their pocket…

Seriously I can’t imagine life without my iPhone4. It’s stupid to be so attached to what is essentially a phone, but my life is inside of it. Pictures. Videos. Everyone’s phone numbers, emails, and the ability to contact them just by tapping on a screen.

I was in junior high when the internet started becoming regularly available. I used to run a BBS with my friend Daniel called Static Age. I used to log in on my Power Mac and read ASCII text message from all kinds of people. I remember the internet when you had to call it up on the phone and set the handset on the modem to make it work.

I remember my first iPod. My dad bought it for me, it was the 1g shuffle that was shaped like a stick of gum. It still works, it just no longer shuffles. So I use it as a memory stick. But when I got that thing it changed everything. Think of it, you get to take (at least in my case) 1/32 of your music collection with you on vacation. Think of all the cd’s you’re not burning and by that all the garbage you’re not making. It blew my mind. My original 30gb iPod video still trips me out and I panic when I can’t find it.

I heard stories about people’s iPhones blowing up when Steve Jobs passed away, getting texts from Apple and whatever. I didn’t get one so I’m sure it’s urban myth or whatever but even so, how insane is that? The device one man visualized telling the whole world about his death?

I didn’t know Steve Jobs and I bet because I’m such a trusting idiot his company knows more about me than I ever will about the man, but I do know that I will be grateful every day for his contribution to my life and the lives of millions. I have the entire world in my pocket, the palm of my hand, at all times and it’s because of Steve Jobs.


Thanks man. Get some rest, you’ve earned it.