Not all love songs are happy. Some are about broken hearts and some are about the aftermath of love. Some people write an entire album about it. I happen to think one of those albums came from straight out of my own brain and that if I didn’t think James Dewees was so freakin’ amazing I’d probably sue him over the record “Songs Not To Get Married To,” because he pretty much summed up my entire relationship I was having at the time with it and I’ve listened to this thing about a thousand times… in one month. This is one of those, this is the record that saved your life kind of records for me (she says so melodramatically…) so today’s post is about the love songs off this record and my big love for James Dewees, a guy who gave me a Hannah Montana T-Shirt drenched in sweat and a few of the most bad ass conversations I’ve ever had in my life…
“Get Well Soon,” could’ve been the ringtone of this relationship I was in, if it had a cell phone and called me repeatedly to punch me in the junk. I was seeing someone casually back in 2005. It was this big secret that everyone seemed to know about but since it was such a big secret, we acted like we didn’t know that anyone knew. Lots of cloak and dagger shit to meet up and hang out. Lots of hanging out in groups, that sort of idiocy. But the drama around if we’d hang out or not at the time didn’t out weigh the fact that at that point in my life, this person was good for me. They were encouraging and very determined and successful which made me strive harder and go further in my career, etc.
But because we weren’t super open, there were a lot of opportunities for us both to get hurt by the other one and it was a stupid situation. I never could take the pulse of that debacle successfully. Not once.
“They say we won’t make it
What do they know?
They say we can’t do it
But I got to know
Is it getting better?
Is it getting worse?
Was it ever worth it?
was it just a curse?”
“Caving” is another one that pretty much summed up that part of my life. No matter how mean we were to each other, me and this guy, we’d always forgive each other. Because it was two sided. It was two people just being absolute shits to each other but when either of us needed something, it just took a look, a text, a long sigh or an origami heart to bring the other one running. But it always seemed like there was this script we had to follow… like someone else was pulling the strings on this mess we were in…
“When your world starts caving in
I’d still take you in
And if your world filled you with fear
I’m already here
And I’ve been everything you ever needed
Ever wanted, everything you wished for
And this is how you repay me
And I’ve always been right here
You’ll play your part and I’ll play mine
Even if I don’t want to
Wish I understood this game
But it cost me just the same
Whatever I owe you
Never sacrifice the pain
But it always ends, it always end the same”
“Thanks for the Misery,” doesn’t even need an explanation. Seriously. Just listen to it. Have your heart broken. Wash, rinse, repeat, wipe hands on pants…
“Playing Dead,” is the last song on the record and it will punch you in the guts if you’re not careful. I related to this song a lot about the time I finally decided to step away from the chaos of the non relationship I was having. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be with the person involved, it was just more that I was tired of all the antics involved in making it happen. I was tired of not being able to say “Hey I’m hanging out with so and so later,” or that “X took me out to this one place and it was awesome.” I got tired from keeping our ill kept secret. I got tired of being jealous for pretty much no reason.
I think it was Thanksgiving. I was driving home after meeting my ex-fiance’s soon to be wife for the first time. I was on the road back to the coast listening to this record like I was doing constantly at that time and I just realized after seeing my ex so happy with the real thing, that what I had going on back home wasn’t the real thing. Doesn’t mean it wasn’t a friendship or that it wasn’t a good thing most of the time, it just wasn’t the real thing. And I knew the other person really wanted the real thing in his life. And I wanted him to find it.