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I'm everyone – hang your label on me

let’s hear it for love

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When I left San Luis Obispo, I never thought I’d fall in love again. I had my heart broken time and again for over a year and then there was the other thing going on and wow I was just going to retire from the game completely. Eff love, let’s be a crazy cat lady and all that jazz.

I’m bad at being a girlfriend I think. I may be too demanding or vocal or gosh I don’t know what. But I’m pretty bad at being like all the other girls. I don’t play in the sandbox the way I’m supposed to, etc.

And then there was Ben. My god I tried so hard not to even like Ben. He knows all of this by the way, so it’s okay that I’m telling you this. I remember from the first time we hung out, drinking beers and talking and he kept cracking me up, I was always thinking in the back of my mind, you’re too young for me, I just got out of a relationship situation, I am hung up on someone else, my god your laugh is amazing, no no no… etc. I tried blowing him off a few times, he’s persistent and funny and well.. generally wouldn’t let me. I gave up and had him over one night after generally being a bitch to him via text for hours. He brought some movie that was so bad neither one of us could watch it. We just started making fun of it. We probably talked too late. We’d already been out a couple of times when you could tell we liked each other. I had made him a couple of drinks and I probably poured them too strong, I do that from time to time… I don’t know but somewhere that night of the bad movie I decided that I was just going to stop fighting something that felt natural and well like I’d been doing it my whole life.

Its not easy to be my boyfriend. My job is one reason. The other being I’ve been burned a lot and the last one being I do have that image in my head of someone who is perfect for me and let’s be honest, that person probably isn’t real. But Ben and I have this neat relationship and a kind of love that is balanced and rad. I’m a vocal kid, he knows how I feel about him at all freakin’ times. It’s just who I am, I can not shut up when I love someone. And I love Ben. His rad hugs, his incredible patience, his laugh and his big ol’ eyes, his logical to the point I want  to smack him in the face attitude, his shyness, all of that. I love it.

And Ben isn’t a vocal kid, this lead to some pouting on my part.  Until I realized all the ways Ben shows me he loves me and we talked about it a bit. My sink is clogged, I come home from work and it’s mysteriously unclogged. I spill a glass of water on my ancient router, and mysteriously I have a new one a few days later. I complain of being hungry and there are magical groceries in my kitchen or our date that evening is to the grocery store where I can hear my wallet crying all the way up to the register until wham, he pays for it, and I go home and cook us something wonderful. Dishes in my sink vanish. My cats litter box is always clean. My car magically has gas in it. I bitch about my toothbrush and the next thing I know when I go to brush the next time there is a new one (red, I love red) in the holder for me and new toothpaste, the kind I said that I like next to it.

Ben’s a stuff do-er. He helped me cook breakfast for a bunch of friends yesterday while the Seahawks lost. He hung out with us and let me change his hat 300 times during the game. He held my hand and pretended to care about the game when really he could care less. Ben is a show-er of love more than a sayer of it. He’d never let anything happen to me. He’d never hurt me on purpose and he is steady and solid and smart as hell (seriously four A’s and and ill deserved B last semester, in grad school, my god I’m so proud of him) and funny. Even when I’m the only person who thinks he’s funny. Even when he’s annoying he’s funny and I can’t stay mad at him for more than five minutes.

We argue about when our anniversary is. He says it’s when we started hanging out all the time. I say it’s September 23rd, the night he took me out to tamales and flowers and drinks because I was sad about Choco, because that’s the night we actually talked about if we were girlfriend and boyfriend. Either way, it doesn’t matter. We’re together now and I love him.

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One thought on “let’s hear it for love

  1. This gives me great hope for myself…maybe some day. I also have this notion of the perfect person for me who I want to believe exists, but I also know that the person I want isn’t the person I’ll ever have. And how do you not let that get in the way of every relationship you ever have again…all that expectation. So…you give me some hope. 🙂

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