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temper trap

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I do not have a bad temper usually. I’m pretty even when it comes to most things, aside from work and people screwing with people I love. For the most part whenever someone metaphorically shits on me, I just let it slide.

Yesterday I did not and I yelled and said some mean shit and hung up on someone. Not classy. Not my style. But I did it and I can’t take it back. I may not even want to.
I realize that I hurt people sometimes. And I realize I do a lot of things wrong. But I do not wake up every day thinking how I’m going to screw someone over or hurt them. Sometimes I even panic when I don’t know how to deal with a situation and try to do the least hurtful thing. And that usually ends up being wrong too.
I’m being vague because running off and blabbing to the internet about the little incident yesterday not really the thing to do… but I needed to get this off my chest.
People don’t realize it, but when a relationship ends, both people are hurt. Continuing to remind a person who ended it doesn’t change the fact that even the “dumper” as it were is in pain when they do it. I never take the decision to terminate any kind of relationship, friends or romantic, lightly. And in ending my last relationship, I agonized over that decision for months. Yes months. It wasn’t all just the move. Or all just a friendship I had that got out of control. Or all money. There were a lot of reasons. The main one being I felt like I had already been given up on and had stopped mattering. And that’s why.
This isn’t to say I’m some kind of a saint. I am not. I did a lot of things wrong. Turns out I did some stuff wrong that I didn’t even know I did! But I can’t change it now and I guess the best thing to do now is let it go. Throw that pain out with the bathwater and hope that by cutting me completely out of their life, the person I hurt can find happiness. Because I want that for them.
It’s all I ever wanted for them.

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