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I'm everyone – hang your label on me

going to the Chico DMV


I know, I know, no one likes going to the DMV. But the Chico DMV is a special kind of hell I didn’t think existed.

For one it takes FOREVER, like even in DMV terms. From the time I got my number to the time I was called it was over an hour. An hour, of sitting amongst some of the scariest people that Chico has offered me so far.

There were the usual people you see when you head out to any kind of public agency. Sure they can’t dress themselves, they’re wearing sweats in public or haven’t bathed in good hot minute but you expect that right?

What I didn’t expect was the screaming tweaker woman and her husband who either beats the hell out of her when they’re at home or is the most patient tweaker dude I’ve ever seen. They came in to file an accident report on behalf of their granddaughter who had wrecked their car. And the woman was already pissed off that she had to do this, or that she couldn’t share her list of ailments with the DMV lady who kept saying “Here’s the form, fill it out and come back.” Finally Screamy McGee got away from the counter and went to the area where you fill out forms. Right next to me.

If I wasn’t so sure this woman was making meth in her garage, I could’ve stolen her entire identity. Hell ANYONE in that DMV could have because she was just screaming everything she said and constantly screaming at her husband to stop talking, she couldn’t write and talk at the same time, oh my god shut up.

Of course to add to that were the crying babies and a dude with a prison tattoo (seriously this was hand done) that said Jah Rules and if he’d come any closer to me, I probably would’ve screamed because I know homeboy had fleas, or was at least harboring some serious funk.

The other thing shocking to me was the sheer amount of BAD INK that was being sported in that bitch. I’ve seen some shit tattoos before but these were just HUGE and ugly. And what is it with trees and the people here? Almost all the tats I saw, were of trees.

What the hell?

Then in the seats where I was, there were like four plain, normal, non standing out people. We all seemed to be clinging to this tiny island of normalcy in this sea of filthy agitated Chicoans at the world’s slowest DMV.

Good news is though, I have tags on my car, a new address in my life and I survived the Chico DMV, and as far as I can tell didn’t pick up any diseases while I was there. I will still be scrubbing with extra strength soap when I get home tonight though. Sheesh.


2 thoughts on “going to the Chico DMV

  1. Were any of the tree tattoos also prison tattoos? 'Cause, that seems like a weird tattoo to get in prison.

  2. I hateeee going to the DMV, and I live out in the sticks of Rhode Island. Even then, you really do see the dregs of society, complete with all sorts of wonderful tattoos.

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